Well here we are again.
Nine months of no progress here, but of ups and downs and lots going on elsewhere.

We just embarked on the start of a new chapter of our life. My husband moved down to a new city in a new state to start a new job. He'll live between here and there for the next three months, give or take. We're selling our house, probably finishing out the school year here, looking for a new home there, ready for this next adventure.

He left yesterday.
And today I'm leaving too. Leaving these habits I've been stuck in for way too long.
New job, new city, new chapter= new goal, new body.
My intention, while I'm swinging single here, is to eat right, exercise well, and get rid of at least twenty of these extra pounds before I officially become a Tennessean. By the time my husband and I share a bed 100% of the time again, I want him to notice a marked difference in my body. I want to be proud of my body.

Of course it'd be easier if the inevitable stress of the next three months would just strip off the weight like how stress used to affect me, rather than the emotional eating I've tended to lean towards resulting in the opposite effect in the more recent years.

I have a walking date this morning with a girlfriend and likely for at least four of the next five days. That's a definite step in the right direction to get started.
Off to plan some meals for the week...

Labels: reflecting, trying

So I realized I never reported on any more of the Race to a Waist competition.
I got down to just under 145 lbs.
I came in sixth overall. Which out of 25 women isn't bad. But I could have done it. With two weeks to go I was in second place so really there shouldn't have been any excuse to not be in the top three (or first!) at the end. I just honestly didn't stick with it like I should have throughout the whole 12 weeks. In then end I was disappointed with myself; that I didn't really try as hard has I could have. It was mostly about the food part of things and I did okay with that... but I really didn't exercise enough. I only did water aerobics a couple of times and didn't walk nearly as much as I should have.

It was almost like I have this hang up of putting in just enough effort to put me close.... but I'm afraid to actually put in 100%; to give it my all and try my absolute hardest because then? If I did absolutely everything I could and tried my best and focused all my energy on it and it wasn't good enough to get me to my goals? That would just mean my best wasn't good enough.
But if I just tried enough, even if I was just short of my goal, I still had the "excuse" that I could have done better. It's easier to be frustrated in the fact that I'm lazy than the fact that I truly failed.
I think I've done that a lot in my life. In school and relationships and probably a lot of things.

Hmm... I don't really like this realization.
It's sort of a lazy inclination combined with being short on self-confidence. Not a good combo.

Labels: reflecting, trying

Not much to say here, but I didn't want to be avoiding this journal either.
Same ol', same ol'.
I have a number of excuses (a couple of physical emergencies, family in town, a tad of a depression funk, blah, blah, blah) and seem to have countless things that will "remotivate me" each new week (the beautiful weather, buying a new swimsuit, planning vacations, blah, blah, blah), but still here I sit.

At least I'm maintaining. I lost five pounds from the start of all this, and in the midst of being completely lazy and nonchalant with my exercise and eating habits, at least that's not snuck back up on me. I still today am a solid 152lbs. Sad thing is, that's the same as a month ago.

It's discouraging to think where I could be right now if I really truly tried and kept up on what I know I need to be doing. If I had really worked at it, I could have dropped a lot more than that measly five pounds in the last almost 2 months. So tomorrow's a new day, right? Problem is, I find myself thinking that every day.

I wish I had someone close by in this same spot I am, to motivate each other and to be more accountable in real life... to call me up or to show up at my house with those walking shoes on!

Anyway, I have no bold claims to make about the week ahead. I'm just going to set an internal goal to do better. I have a couple of things in mind to try to get myself into some new habits. Who knows, maybe I'll surprise myself and actually make some progress...

Labels: reflecting

I've heard much conversation about a new show on TLC recently and finally checked it out this week, watching the first two episodes over the last couple of days. I'm intrigued.
I think Paul McKenna is right on... I think that his motivators of not dieting and just eating sensibly and being more active are exactly the direction people need to be pointed in. And by sensibly I don't even mean following any certain "sensible" menu of low carbs/low fat/low cal or wholesome good for you foods... granted non processed foods are a healthier choice, but in terms of weight loss or weight management it's more about how and when you're eating rather than what exactly you're eating.
I have to admit it throws me off a bit when he goes through someone's kitchen and says to throw out the "healthy foods" you don't like, the things that you buy and make yourself eat only because they're good for you and you think you should be eating them. And then tells them to keep their "stash" cupboard stocked with their favorite treats and indulgences.
But you know what? That's exactly how I lived from the age of 20 to 30 and I never gave my weight a second glance. I ate when I was hungry, I stopped when I wasn't, I didn't eat when I was bored, I wasn't an emotional eater, I didn't run to my "stash" out of desperation... I ate what I wanted when I wanted and only as much as I needed. I always had candy or desserts around, I just didn't eat them often. I could have a bowl of candy out and it would take a month or two to dwindle down to empty. I only had one here and there... I didn't want to eat the whole bowl in one day.

And that is McKenna's basic philosophy. He claims that anyone of any weight can get to and maintain their ideal weight... be "naturally thin" by following these four basic rules:
-eat when you are hungry
-eat what you want, not what you think you should (of course taking into account dietary restrictions such as diabetes, allergies and such)
-eat slowly, consciously and be aware of every mouthful
-stop when you even think you might be full

And I fully believe in that... as in staying "naturally thin". I'm just not convinced that losing that extra weight happens without some extra effort on the part of food choices. I've been saying all along that however I've put on this extra thirty pounds; two pregnancies, a couple of stressful relocations, some depression, picking up unhealthy eating habits.... I've been hoping that if I can just buckle down and drop this extra weight, then I can go back to my "old" habits which are exactly McKenna's "golden rules" and I'll be able to maintain that weight without stressing about dieting. But can it just happen naturally? Without being severe or super vigilant about low glycemic or low carbs or only good carbs or low fats? Or at least hugely stepping up an exercise regiment which I sooo am not a fan of. I mean, I'm all for walking, staying active, etc... but I just am not a workout person.

Anyway, there was a woman on his show last night who lost 165 lbs and has kept it off for three years... just by following that very simple advice. Just by being aware of when and how much she was eating. Just by paying attention to her body and it's signals.
And there's a couple that McKenna is meeting with throughout his shows and the man weighs I don't know like 350? 400 lbs? We're talking dangerous dangerous health here. And he's been applying the basic rules and his fiance says still eating exactly what they want, whenever they're feeling hungry, but paying attention to how much they're eating, putting down their forks in between bites and intentionally chewing and enjoying the food, and then stopping when they might start to be feeling satisfied and full, they have completely made a turn for the better. She said that she would guess he is eating about a fourth of the food he previously consumed. And he is not missing it in any way.
And I think that's amazing. And I understand it working for the people who are consuming so much more than they need to be. But for people who are only 10, 20, 30 pounds over where they want to be, is it really going to just melt off like that? I honestly don't feel like I eat much. I know I don't wolf my food down, and I usually stop eating well before I'm stuffed or too full. So is following these guidelines -that I'm not really sure I've strayed too far from- really going to result in a difference for me, or do I have to be intentional in other ways to shave these pounds off?

*****
I guess my only caveat would be snacking.
I've never considered myself an emotional eater. However, I have realized in the last couple of years with these cross country moves, I think I am doing that more. I think I've been lonely and a little depressed at times and I think subconsciously I must be eating more to make up for it. Where I used to be able to have that bowl of candy around and barely nibble on it here or there, now I take some anytime I'm in the same room as it. And not just one but three or four. Or ten.
Something that really caught my attention in watching these two shows of McKenna's the last couple of days was when he mentioned emotional eating, he would list off emotions of anger, stress, depression... and then boredom. He would rattle off all of these real up and down physically reactive emotions, and then always boredom would be thrown in there. I've never really considered that boredom being an emotion or that being bored or restless would be considered a trigger of emotional eating. But sure enough, that's mine. Sure I'm busy, sure I have a million things on my plate, but really? Day to day? In between these moves and being unfamiliar with areas and trying to break into communities and groups and make new friends and get settled and actually feel at home and comfortable and able to call up just anyone to go do something or to watch my kids for me or to talk about nothing in particular but just to say hi?.... In actuality I'm bored. Bored and restless and that probably boils down to being lonely. Not a depressed, woe is me kind of lonely, but a don't really have go-to friends to hang out with whenever or to chat with at a moment's notice kind of restless lonely.
Does that make any sense at all??
It's getting better; over time it's only getting better, but still it's there.

So I'm tuning into this show. Because apparently I do have issues to deal with. And if I need to curb the emotional eating and he has tips on how to do that, than it's only going to help right? And if I am more aware of my emotions and if all I need are reminders and the encouragement and the reinforcement of the habits of becoming "naturally thin" than I think I can manage to tune in for an hour a week to get a dose of that.

Labels: reflecting

I've been analyzing my shoe collection.
I've always loved shoes. I love how they can just make an outfit; add that perfect touch. I've had many an outfit revolve around a pair of shoes or flip flops. But I think I've realized that lately, shoes are my crutch. My wardrobe has drastically dwindled since having kids. And even more so in the last six months as I've gained this weight. I won't buy bigger clothes. But I'm still buying shoes. I can take the most boring solid color top and jeans and make it an "outfit" with some cute shoes. If I feel fat or frumpy in a shirt, I can distract from that feeling with some fun shoes. When I know I'm not looking my best, when I'm not doing too well at hiding the roll around my middle... I can still feel cute and stylish if people are complimenting my shoes.
How sad is that?

I realized how much I'm relying on this crutch when I spent two days shopping last weekend for just the right pair of shoes to wear to church on Sunday. I didn't have a thing to wear... unless I found new shoes. Then I could overlook the way I knew I looked in the actual clothes part of the outfit. Apparently I think it would distract other people from it as well.

I want to be excited about a whole outfit again. I want to feel comfortable in whatever I throw on and not have to worry about how a shirt hides or emphasizes my midsection and depend on shoes to take the focus off of the rest of me. I want my shoes to be an accessory again, instead of being a way to distract from me. I want to move my focus from my shoes to all of me; to be feeling good and be proud of how I look.
And it'll be nice to hear a compliment once in awhile that might be, "you look good Heather," instead of "I love your shoes."

Labels: reflecting