I got down to just under 145 lbs.
I came in sixth overall. Which out of 25 women isn't bad. But I could have done it. With two weeks to go I was in second place so really there shouldn't have been any excuse to not be in the top three (or first!) at the end. I just honestly didn't stick with it like I should have throughout the whole 12 weeks. In then end I was disappointed with myself; that I didn't really try as hard has I could have. It was mostly about the food part of things and I did okay with that... but I really didn't exercise enough. I only did water aerobics a couple of times and didn't walk nearly as much as I should have.
It was almost like I have this hang up of putting in just enough effort to put me close.... but I'm afraid to actually put in 100%; to give it my all and try my absolute hardest because then? If I did absolutely everything I could and tried my best and focused all my energy on it and it wasn't good enough to get me to my goals? That would just mean my best wasn't good enough.
But if I just tried enough, even if I was just short of my goal, I still had the "excuse" that I could have done better. It's easier to be frustrated in the fact that I'm lazy than the fact that I truly failed.
I think I've done that a lot in my life. In school and relationships and probably a lot of things.
Hmm... I don't really like this realization.
It's sort of a lazy inclination combined with being short on self-confidence. Not a good combo.
Labels: reflecting, trying
