Lighten Up

Chapter New

2010-03-08T08:33:00.000-06:00

Well here we are again.
Nine months of no progress here, but of ups and downs and lots going on elsewhere.

We just embarked on the start of a new chapter of our life. My husband moved down to a new city in a new state to start a new job. He'll live between here and there for the next three months, give or take. We're selling our house, probably finishing out the school year here, looking for a new home there, ready for this next adventure.

He left yesterday.
And today I'm leaving too. Leaving these habits I've been stuck in for way too long.
New job, new city, new chapter= new goal, new body.
My intention, while I'm swinging single here, is to eat right, exercise well, and get rid of at least twenty of these extra pounds before I officially become a Tennessean. By the time my husband and I share a bed 100% of the time again, I want him to notice a marked difference in my body. I want to be proud of my body.

Of course it'd be easier if the inevitable stress of the next three months would just strip off the weight like how stress used to affect me, rather than the emotional eating I've tended to lean towards resulting in the opposite effect in the more recent years.

I have a walking date this morning with a girlfriend and likely for at least four of the next five days. That's a definite step in the right direction to get started.
Off to plan some meals for the week...

new resolve

2009-06-01T09:20:00.000-05:00

It's a Monday.
And it's the first of June.
The beginning of summer.
The last day of school.

Seems like a perfect no excuse time to get back with the program.
So far so good... a great breakfast of Special K and a whole grapefruit, and already walked this morning pushing a 35lb kid in a big jogger stroller for three miles.

It's only 9am, but I'm feelin' it today.
And I'm counting on that feeling for the next many days to come.

report

2009-05-31T08:33:00.000-05:00

So I realized I never reported on any more of the Race to a Waist competition.
I got down to just under 145 lbs.
I came in sixth overall. Which out of 25 women isn't bad. But I could have done it. With two weeks to go I was in second place so really there shouldn't have been any excuse to not be in the top three (or first!) at the end. I just honestly didn't stick with it like I should have throughout the whole 12 weeks. In then end I was disappointed with myself; that I didn't really try as hard has I could have. It was mostly about the food part of things and I did okay with that... but I really didn't exercise enough. I only did water aerobics a couple of times and didn't walk nearly as much as I should have.

It was almost like I have this hang up of putting in just enough effort to put me close.... but I'm afraid to actually put in 100%; to give it my all and try my absolute hardest because then? If I did absolutely everything I could and tried my best and focused all my energy on it and it wasn't good enough to get me to my goals? That would just mean my best wasn't good enough.
But if I just tried enough, even if I was just short of my goal, I still had the "excuse" that I could have done better. It's easier to be frustrated in the fact that I'm lazy than the fact that I truly failed.
I think I've done that a lot in my life. In school and relationships and probably a lot of things.

Hmm... I don't really like this realization.
It's sort of a lazy inclination combined with being short on self-confidence. Not a good combo.

week five

2009-02-09T12:59:00.005-06:00

Wait... is it week four or week five? Four weeks into the race? Five weeks in? The start of week five? I'm confused...

But Ugh. I'm still stuck at 150lbs. That's almost three weeks at the same weight.
I had a week in there with no real activity... some "female troubles" prompting a dr's visit.
My "dieting" has just been so-so.
Which I guess goes to show that I really need to just suck it up and work hard for the next eight weeks (or twenty pounds) to get rid of this unwanted chub then I'll probably be okay. As long as I eat relatively sensibly and am not too much of a slug, it seems I can keep weight off no problem. It's just a matter of getting rid of it in the first place.
So.
I did have three good walks this past week.
And today I signed up (read: paid for) for a water aerobics class three times a week.
I'm ready to make my weigh-in next week a drastic drop down from this 150 that's been lounging around on my scale for the past few weeks.

going into the third

2009-01-21T10:50:00.003-06:00

Fourth place overall in the race going into the third week.

It surprised me, because I was discouraged Monday that I was only down about a pound and a half from the week before. And that pound and a half was a stretch too... I've never been so naked on the scale :).
I knew it wasn't going to be a very good week... we had friends staying with us all weekend, I made way too much really really good food (some of it light, some of it not so light, chips and dip and milkshakes and big breakfasts. also chinese take-out. ugh).
I was sick (not the good for weight loss kind of sick, just a monstrous cold/cough/lay around all day kind of sick) and unmotivated for three days before weigh in, and I got to top it all off with being bloated and crampy with PMS. That's not exactly a recipe for a loss on the scale.

But I've been back on track yesterday and today and I think I'm headed in the right direction again. 150lbs this morning.

I will stay under 150 for the rest of the week. Heck, how about for the rest of my life??

Hey, found a new treat I like...
these Sunsweet Plum Sweets are great! It's just the right amount of chocolate to curb a sweet tooth and it can actually be considered good for you. Dark chocolate and dried plums... double dose of antioxidents there!! A little protein, a little fiber, a little bit of carbs and saturated fat too, but they size a serving as about 14 pieces and I do fine with just four or five when I think to grab them maybe once a day. Hey, it's better than candy or cookies, right?

one week down

2009-01-13T11:32:00.003-06:00

Third place in the competition this first week!
Can I keep it up?

I really didn't do much different last week... my priorities were simply not snacking and paying attention to what I was eating and being satisfied without feeling full.
I only got out and walked to work-out once.

It's too cold to walk the rest of the week, so I'll be checking out what's On Demand for fitness. Or maybe get one of these videos again from the library. They have a set of those at Costco I was really tempted by. I really like her routines.
I just couldn't justify the money... I spent $30 for this "race", I'm spending $30 next month for a water aerobics class (love those!!) and I couldn't comfortably spend another $30 on walking DVD's, when it seems my neighborhood sidewalk should suffice. I'm not going to be walking in these zero degree temps this week tho.

happy numbers

2009-01-12T13:05:00.004-06:00

Previously I checked my weight every Saturday.
With the "race" I'm in, our weigh-ins are on Monday, so I'm going with that for awhile.
I was dreading weighing myself this morning after my date with fried food this weekend (Mmmm... old fashioned onion rings....), but here we are.

Today's weight: 153 lbs
Today's waist: 35.75"

That's three and half pounds down this week!!
At some point early this past weekend, I got on the scale early, first thing in the morning and my digital one read 149.5. I know it was probably a fluke of some sort, but it really got me excited.
I haven't seen the scale read under 150 with me on it since I was newly pregnant with Savannah. That was over six years ago.
I've been fluctuating in the 150's for ever now and it's kind of gotten to be all the same... 157? 153? 155? meh, they're kind of all in the same ballpark.
I knew lower numbers on the scale would be nicer to read (ie, under 150).
I just didn't quite realize how really nice they are to read. It's like a whole new ball game.
149... that is most definitely NOT in the 150's!!

Seeing that <150lb>

150lbs-- weight between my two pregnancies, haven't really been there since I got pregnant with Sawyer

145lbs-- weight I need to be to weigh less than my husband (this has been a dream of mine for almost our whole marriage)

140lbs-- weight when we got married and pre-pregnancy

130lbs-- weight I was at while dating my husband

115lbs-- weight I was at when I met my husband (coming off of a very stressful, chaotic year in my life)

Now, we won't even talk about the 115, because I think we all know I will never be there again. But the rest of those numbers are real.
And instead of simply putting number goals down, with a random goal weight, after seeing the scale dip under 150 this week, putting these numbers out there this way excites me. Instead of just thinking of a number in my head, say 140, I'm thinking about how long it's been since I've been there (seven years!), how much better I felt (cute clothes!), and that I'm really on my way to being back there. Does that make any sense?

I cannot wait to be regularly in the 140's. (after this next week!)
And to eventually be this excited about dipping under that 140 mark the same way.

new

2009-01-06T11:38:00.003-06:00

Okay, new year, new resolve.
Let's try this again.

This time I have a little more accountability as I'm joining a biggest loser type "Race to a Waist" competition. Forking over a little cash to keep myself in check. And if miracles happen, win up to $500.
A girl can dream, can't she??

I have plans. And renewed motivation. And the race came at just the right time.
Starting this week.

And then I went and spaced it and baked some yummy Orange Chocolate Chip bread today. Not a good idea. Oh well, a least its not brownies or cookies... I used whole wheat flour and at least it's just one cup of sugar, no oil- just a tiny bit of butter and mini chocolate chips. That works out to not so horrible, doesn't it?? Oh it's yummy though.... I've already had my piece for the day!

Anyway.
Here's to a new year and a new resolve and a new attempt to lighten up!!

Back in the Saddle

2008-08-07T08:11:00.004-05:00

I honestly cannot believe how long I've neglected this journal.
Or how long I've neglected this goal of mine, I should say.

It was probably only the first week or two that I felt guilty or remembered at all that I was letting my priorities fall away from this Lightning Up thing... after that it was just a little too easy to get swept up in the busyness of life. We did have a busy spring. And we've been enjoying our summer to it's fullest, keeping busy and spending most of our time in between at the pool.
And I've actually been maintaining my weight, not gaining any more and at least not worsening my habits.
But after and especially hard on myself, PMS'y, bloated week, I'm ready to resuscitate my motivation here.

I walked a couple of miles with the kids in the stroller yesterday, since the early morning was finally cooler. If you consider 80 degrees cooler. I got a walking workout DVD from the library I'm going to start next week and hopefully use until we get some good walking weather on a regular basis around here. I'm not a fan of going outside and breaking into a sweat before I even start moving.

We'll be out of town this weekend, so I won't be weighing in again until the following weekend. Hopefully that will give me some time to really drop a few pounds.

Sunday walk

2008-04-28T08:23:00.003-05:00

Since this self-discipline, need to start today thing is so hard for me, I've decided to record actual progress, however small a step it may be on a day to day basis, when it happens instead of my normal weekly report card. Because the pattern of weeks past, if I average out the weeks, I get a flunking grade. And that's discouraging. If I take it a day at a time and can cheer myself on for the little things, maybe it'll motivate me to keep up those little steps. And it takes lots of little steps to cover a great distance, right?

Anyway. I had a great walk yesterday. I got up early (6:30am) and took a 4 mile walk by myself. It was so nice. Not only getting out and getting active, but the quiet early morning, listening and observing the beauty of our neighborhood, the birds, the bunnies, the flowers and trees. Walking fast and tall and not having to lug a stroller up and down the hills. Just being able to hear my own thoughts, not having to listen to the kids fight or complain in the stroller. It really felt so good. I'd get up at 6:30 every day and do that.
Problem is, my husband leaves for work during the week at 6:30. So if I want that walk during the week, I'd have to be getting up at 5:30. Uh yeah. It was nice, but not that nice!!

I may try a goal of doing it when Ryan gets home each day. I'd say evenings, even after the kids go to bed, but the problem is, I just like to hang out in the evenings. Which is also why even though I have every intention of heading down the the work-out room around the corner at our clubhouse in the evenings, I never actually do it. I like hanging out with my husband. Morning's nice because everyone's still in bed; I'm not missing out on anything. It might be nice to have a little break to myself right when Ryan gets home from work though.
We'll see what happens the rest of the week.

Still wish I had a walking buddy! Maybe I'll fish around for one in the neighborhood...

holding steady, moving on

2008-04-26T13:30:00.002-05:00

Not much to say here, but I didn't want to be avoiding this journal either.
Same ol', same ol'.
I have a number of excuses (a couple of physical emergencies, family in town, a tad of a depression funk, blah, blah, blah) and seem to have countless things that will "remotivate me" each new week (the beautiful weather, buying a new swimsuit, planning vacations, blah, blah, blah), but still here I sit.

At least I'm maintaining. I lost five pounds from the start of all this, and in the midst of being completely lazy and nonchalant with my exercise and eating habits, at least that's not snuck back up on me. I still today am a solid 152lbs. Sad thing is, that's the same as a month ago.

It's discouraging to think where I could be right now if I really truly tried and kept up on what I know I need to be doing. If I had really worked at it, I could have dropped a lot more than that measly five pounds in the last almost 2 months. So tomorrow's a new day, right? Problem is, I find myself thinking that every day.

I wish I had someone close by in this same spot I am, to motivate each other and to be more accountable in real life... to call me up or to show up at my house with those walking shoes on!

Anyway, I have no bold claims to make about the week ahead. I'm just going to set an internal goal to do better. I have a couple of things in mind to try to get myself into some new habits. Who knows, maybe I'll surprise myself and actually make some progress...

back to business

2008-04-12T08:54:00.002-05:00

Today's weight: 152.5 lbs
Today's waist:

Well I've been hesitant to get back on the scale... over three weeks of not paying attention, holidays, vacation, being resistant to getting in focus. But today the scale reads essentially the same as when I turned a blind eye to it. I'm a little relieved as honestly I feel I've done horribly at this striving toward my goal thing the last few weeks. Meals have been crappy, not the best snacking has been a common occurrence, and exercising.... what is that? But at least I've held steady. Which actually motivates me a little more because it spurs my belief that if I can just get rid of these twenty extra pounds I won't have to keep a drastic change of lifestyle to keep it off.

So here's to a new week.
My parents are going to be here for a visit so that's motivated me to plan out our week and be more intentional on the health front.
Oh, and my sister's coming along with them and she's an active one, so I'm sure I'll be taking her down to the clubhouse a few times for a work out.
And the walking challenge with the online chub club starts Tuesday!
Lots of motivators to get back into the routine and the habits I need!

processing

2008-03-25T20:43:00.005-05:00

I've heard much conversation about a new show on TLC recently and finally checked it out this week, watching the first two episodes over the last couple of days. I'm intrigued.
I think Paul McKenna is right on... I think that his motivators of not dieting and just eating sensibly and being more active are exactly the direction people need to be pointed in. And by sensibly I don't even mean following any certain "sensible" menu of low carbs/low fat/low cal or wholesome good for you foods... granted non processed foods are a healthier choice, but in terms of weight loss or weight management it's more about how and when you're eating rather than what exactly you're eating.
I have to admit it throws me off a bit when he goes through someone's kitchen and says to throw out the "healthy foods" you don't like, the things that you buy and make yourself eat only because they're good for you and you think you should be eating them. And then tells them to keep their "stash" cupboard stocked with their favorite treats and indulgences.
But you know what? That's exactly how I lived from the age of 20 to 30 and I never gave my weight a second glance. I ate when I was hungry, I stopped when I wasn't, I didn't eat when I was bored, I wasn't an emotional eater, I didn't run to my "stash" out of desperation... I ate what I wanted when I wanted and only as much as I needed. I always had candy or desserts around, I just didn't eat them often. I could have a bowl of candy out and it would take a month or two to dwindle down to empty. I only had one here and there... I didn't want to eat the whole bowl in one day.

And that is McKenna's basic philosophy. He claims that anyone of any weight can get to and maintain their ideal weight... be "naturally thin" by following these four basic rules:
-eat when you are hungry
-eat what you want, not what you think you should (of course taking into account dietary restrictions such as diabetes, allergies and such)
-eat slowly, consciously and be aware of every mouthful
-stop when you even think you might be full

And I fully believe in that... as in staying "naturally thin". I'm just not convinced that losing that extra weight happens without some extra effort on the part of food choices. I've been saying all along that however I've put on this extra thirty pounds; two pregnancies, a couple of stressful relocations, some depression, picking up unhealthy eating habits.... I've been hoping that if I can just buckle down and drop this extra weight, then I can go back to my "old" habits which are exactly McKenna's "golden rules" and I'll be able to maintain that weight without stressing about dieting. But can it just happen naturally? Without being severe or super vigilant about low glycemic or low carbs or only good carbs or low fats? Or at least hugely stepping up an exercise regiment which I sooo am not a fan of. I mean, I'm all for walking, staying active, etc... but I just am not a workout person.

Anyway, there was a woman on his show last night who lost 165 lbs and has kept it off for three years... just by following that very simple advice. Just by being aware of when and how much she was eating. Just by paying attention to her body and it's signals.
And there's a couple that McKenna is meeting with throughout his shows and the man weighs I don't know like 350? 400 lbs? We're talking dangerous dangerous health here. And he's been applying the basic rules and his fiance says still eating exactly what they want, whenever they're feeling hungry, but paying attention to how much they're eating, putting down their forks in between bites and intentionally chewing and enjoying the food, and then stopping when they might start to be feeling satisfied and full, they have completely made a turn for the better. She said that she would guess he is eating about a fourth of the food he previously consumed. And he is not missing it in any way.
And I think that's amazing. And I understand it working for the people who are consuming so much more than they need to be. But for people who are only 10, 20, 30 pounds over where they want to be, is it really going to just melt off like that? I honestly don't feel like I eat much. I know I don't wolf my food down, and I usually stop eating well before I'm stuffed or too full. So is following these guidelines -that I'm not really sure I've strayed too far from- really going to result in a difference for me, or do I have to be intentional in other ways to shave these pounds off?

*****
I guess my only caveat would be snacking.
I've never considered myself an emotional eater. However, I have realized in the last couple of years with these cross country moves, I think I am doing that more. I think I've been lonely and a little depressed at times and I think subconsciously I must be eating more to make up for it. Where I used to be able to have that bowl of candy around and barely nibble on it here or there, now I take some anytime I'm in the same room as it. And not just one but three or four. Or ten.
Something that really caught my attention in watching these two shows of McKenna's the last couple of days was when he mentioned emotional eating, he would list off emotions of anger, stress, depression... and then boredom. He would rattle off all of these real up and down physically reactive emotions, and then always boredom would be thrown in there. I've never really considered that boredom being an emotion or that being bored or restless would be considered a trigger of emotional eating. But sure enough, that's mine. Sure I'm busy, sure I have a million things on my plate, but really? Day to day? In between these moves and being unfamiliar with areas and trying to break into communities and groups and make new friends and get settled and actually feel at home and comfortable and able to call up just anyone to go do something or to watch my kids for me or to talk about nothing in particular but just to say hi?.... In actuality I'm bored. Bored and restless and that probably boils down to being lonely. Not a depressed, woe is me kind of lonely, but a don't really have go-to friends to hang out with whenever or to chat with at a moment's notice kind of restless lonely.
Does that make any sense at all??
It's getting better; over time it's only getting better, but still it's there.

So I'm tuning into this show. Because apparently I do have issues to deal with. And if I need to curb the emotional eating and he has tips on how to do that, than it's only going to help right? And if I am more aware of my emotions and if all I need are reminders and the encouragement and the reinforcement of the habits of becoming "naturally thin" than I think I can manage to tune in for an hour a week to get a dose of that.

Easter and the Aftermath

2008-03-25T18:54:00.004-05:00

Well, reflecting on my Easter Eating, I have to say I was a very good girl. The day after?... Notsomuch.

Easter Sunday we went to a friends' house for dinner after church. I kept my plate slim with just a good amount of ham, tons of salad, teeny tiny helpings of both the cheesey potatoes and green bean caseroles, and my only downfall was two dinner rolls. I finished up my plate, and although we sat around the table for quite a bit longer and I felt twinges of I should eat more, this food is so good I also was fully aware that I was satisfied and wasn't needing to eat any more food because I wasn't hungry, so I didn't. Our Easter gathering also happened to be a combination 4 year old birthday party too, and I easily turned down the cupcakes and ice cream later in the afternoon.
The kicker? I had absolutely no Easter candy all day except for two simple Peeps. (Come on... a girl cannot be expected to give up Peeps cold turkey at EASTER!). I was feeling quite happy with myself.

But Then.
Monday? I got bored, I got frustrated with the kids, I got overwhelmed with my list of things to do before I take off on Thursday, I got whatever other emotions that come along with the job of a stay at home Mom on a Monday and that Easter candy sitting around my house? It was just a little too convenient. So I ate a chocolate egg here and a Robin's egg there. And finished off the Peeps (I just wrote poop on accident) for lunch. And pretty much ate nothing but candy all day. Oh, plus the second half of SJ's PB&J sandwich. Ugh. I felt horrible. I didn't technically eat that much candy in total... but the fact that that's pretty much all I ate all day? Double Ugh.
I tried to console myself with a great Chicken Salad for dinner. Didn't exactly take away my disgust from the day, but hey-- you gotta move on.

holiday

2008-03-21T07:30:00.003-05:00

I think I've decided I'm taking a "holiday" from the counting for a couple of weeks.
I've lost a total of five pounds since I started keeping track not quite three weeks ago. I was hoping for twice that amount by the time I went on my Chicago trip next week, but five pounds is respectable. It's better than nothing.

And I'm still going to be working on this eating well and exercising more (more than nothing? that should be easy) over the next couple of weeks, but I'm taking a break from the scale and the keeping track. Coming up this weekend we have a couple days away at a friends house with a game night gathering involved, Easter Sunday/birthday party at another friends house on Sunday, and then I'm leaving for the much anticipated Chicago girls weekend next Thursday for four days of eating out and snacking into the wee hours of the morning (well it's not like eating is the main objective of the trip, but you know how it goes)... that's probably not a schedule conducive to ideal weight loss.

I will most definitely be trying to make the smartest choices in all these situations, but I'm still planning on having fun and not stressing about it. While I will always have my goal in the back of my mind, I'm not going to worry about stepping on the scale for a couple/few weeks. I figure why bother. If I don't do as well as I hope in the midst of all this extra curricular activity, it'll just discourage me... if I do better than I give myself credit for, then I'll be pleasantly surprised a couple of weeks down the road when I step on the scale and find I've still managed to shave off a few pounds in the aftermath of a week of dieting booby traps!!
Wish me luck!

confession

2008-03-17T13:11:00.004-05:00

So I guess I let my disappointment with my week last week carry through to the weekend...

Friday I did okay (and even did an ab workout), but Saturday was a struggle. I'm starting to see that weekends usually are. I have to be sure that I am doing my best during the week, because the next three weekends we have major plans with friends that most likely involve major food.
Anyway, this weekend we took the kids to a movie Saturday morning. Ryan ALWAYS gets popcorn, and even though I prepped myself for that and told myself I wouldn't have any, I did. And a fruit snack. Then I went ahead and had Macaroni and Cheese for lunch with the kids. Gah!!
That evening I made myself stick to my meal bar and veggies.
Then Sunday I let myself indulge in >two< bowls of Frosted Flakes instead of my usual one cup of Special K and grapefruit. Then I really went and did it... because our lunch plans with friends were changed to dinner plans, we hit McDonald's for lunch after church. And I had a Big Mac. And a few fries. And a few more. And at least I drink Diet Coke, but at that point what's the point?!
So I was stoked about dinner because at least I knew that would be healthy... We had a bunch of friends over and I had a nice little piece of my favorite grilled lemon and basil chicken, with tons of grilled asparagus and salad and a whole heap of cherry tomatoes. BUT THEN. One of the girls went and brought two loaves of our favorite sourdough french bread. So I had plenty of that. Oh, and another? Another girl went and brought cookie dough to actually bake here... so not only did I have to try and resist cookies sitting there, but SMELL UP THE WHOLE HOUSE FRESH OUT OF THE OVEN PEANUT BUTTER CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES!! So I didn't resist. I had two. Double ugh.

Today's been okay. I had my good breakfast, a protein bar for snack, a turkey sandwich for lunch with the leftover tomatoes and some salad and a handful of these Ranch Puffs. Dinner will be this soup, which is a freebie on the Weight Watchers core plan. And then I will eat the soup leftovers for the rest of the week...

crunching the numbers

2008-03-15T08:10:00.003-05:00

Today's weight: 152.5lbs
Today's waist:

So.
Not thrilled with these numbers. But not surprised either. I really did nothing but lay around for a couple days in the first part of the week with major headaches. And then only walked twice and did an ab workout once as the week went on. So much for amping up my exercise...
Plus my snacking was pretty lenient. I was left with way too many brownies in this house after last weekend, I finally broke down and ate the last Edy's slowchurned ice cream bar that's been sitting in the freezer taunting me, and made Breakfast Cookies and Banana Bread. The cookies I haven't touched (although I did eat at least two cookies-worth in the prebaked stage), but apparently had some sort of break down and ate 4 -yes 4- pieces of warm Banana bread. That was my lunch that day *gulp*. So add that in with a bite of kids' snacks here and there, an evening with fast food, and snagging an M&M out of the bowl now and again... and I'm surprised I was negative pounds at all. Not that half a pound is anything to be proud of, but I'll take it.

ugh

2008-03-12T13:07:00.004-05:00

Well, my week isn't off to the start I was hoping for.

Monday was just a terrible day in general around here. The kids and I were all just not getting along, not getting our act together at any point of the day, and not happy about it at all. I believe SJ honestly spent at least 75% of her day crying in her room... either having been sent there in trouble, or stomping up there on her own. Needless to say, we never got out of the house and I never even popped in a video. Even though it probably would have done us all some good...

Tuesday was looking up; we had dance class in the morning and then hit the grocery store on our way home excited about the day full of beautiful sunshine. Then midway through my grocery shopping I got this sudden horrible headache. Horrible. We hurried home, I fed the kids (stopped at the McD's drivethru* on the way cuz I knew I wouldn't be able to scrounge together food for them), shooed them up to bed for naptime and conked out in bed myself. It wasn't a migraine, but as far as headaches go, I've got to say this was the worst I've ever had. I felt like I couldn't even hold my head up... it was all in my neck and the back of my head. I popped a ton of ibuprofen and lay with a heating pad behind my head/neck for a couple of hours. The kids got up and I plopped them in front of the tv, feeling horrible that it was so gorgeous out and I couldn't take them outside. My head finally calmed down enough that we did venture out and the headache was mostly gone by about 4 o'clock. We did all go for a walk after dinner, and I thought about going back to the clubhouse and doing the treadmill or the eliptical or something last night, but I could still feel a twinge of the headache all throughout the evening so I decided against it. But felt kind of bummed all night that my week thus far was a bust as far as exercising goes...

Today we got out early and did a great, long walk. As much as I hate pushing both my kids in the stroller (95-100lbs extra) up and down these hills in our neighborhood, I know it only helps.
Also today this spring weather has me on the ball with housework... I've already done four loads of laundry and cleaned the kitchen, scrubbing clean our (fabric) kitchen chair seats and mopping the floor of the whole kitchen and entryway. That's gotta be better than sitting on my butt, right? I think we'll take another walk this evening and feed the ducks around the corner. Love this weather!!

*The only good thing about yesterday was that I managed to get the kids McD's for lunch and I didn't even order anything for myself!! Yeah, the excruciating headache helped, but I didn't even let myself think of those fries... and didn't even sneak any from the kids' meals either. Anyone who knows me knows that that is a big deal. I have a horrid love affair with MickeyD's. So I did have to give myself a pat on the back for that one!

week two

2008-03-09T20:57:00.003-05:00

Well I have to say that I'm quite excited for this week ahead.
Last week I did so good on my eating and snacking but only so-so (probably not even so-so) on the exercising. I did the mommy and me video three times (and two were pretty half-heartedly) and walked only once.
But the scale is still telling me that I managed to lose 4 pounds.
So I'm kind of excited to see what happens this week, planning on being way better on the physical side of things. I'm going to sit down tomorrow and make up a detailed plan for the week, telling myself what I'm going to do for how long on what day so there's no thinking about it; no deciding, playing things by ear or doing whatever I feel like doing. I'll just know ahead of time: today I'm walking, today I'm doing the ab workout, today I'm walking, today I'm doing Core Secrets, etc, etc.
The weather is supposed to be nicer this week, so the plan will definitely include much more walking! And keep in mind this is not just walking, but walking and pushing two kids in a stroller (weighing in at 96lbs all together!!) up and down our neighborhood hills. Ugh.
Wish me luck!

crunching the numbers

2008-03-08T08:49:00.005-06:00

I think Saturday mornings will be my weigh in days...

Today's weight: 153lbs
Today's waist: 37"

I knew yesterday that I was hovering 153/154 but I fully expected to see those numbers back up this morning after the night we had last night. We had a bunch of friends over for a game night, complete with an Ice Cream Sundae bar. I did my best to scrimp by, but ice cream is my weakness. Plus a brownie. Plus two drinks. (Which actually, is alcohol that bad? I mean I know that beer and alcohol is usually the first on the cut-out list on a diet... but really it's not that many calories, no carbs, no fat, etc. And I drink my rum with Diet Coke.)

Speaking of the brownies... I tried a new recipe yesterday. Knowing we were doing the ice cream thing, and what goes better than ice cream than a warm gooey brownie; I decided to be proactive and try a weight watchers recipe I've had for years (but had never used) for 1 point Brownies, using applesauce and egg whites and low sugar. I had high hopes. And I was sorely disappointed. I had about 4 bites and threw the rest away. I mean, they were edible, but I really didn't care for them. The texture was like a cross between a brownie and a pan of thick fudge. Only not fudgey yummy. Just dry and thick and bleh. I told Ryan I'd rather eat celery sticks.
It was a good thing I had a box of Dunkin Hines brownies ready to go as back-up!!

thoughts on the menu

2008-03-08T08:09:00.004-06:00

Some of you have been asking about the Special K thing... like isn't it boring or not balanced or how can you survive on cereal and drinks??!

Here's my take on it:
For me these first couple of weeks are all about breaking my snacking habits. Being home with the kids, I don't really eat a real "lunch" or even a breakfast... I would feed them and snack on some of what they're having, or graze on leftovers in the fridge, more often just snack on junky snacks all afternoon, and usually a combination of all of the above.
Also, I already stress about meals around here. Okay, maybe stress is a strong word, but my dissatisfaction with my own eating habits, combined with the horrid pickyness of my two kids and also Sawyer's soy and dairy allergies thrown in there, I've just been completely burnt out on meal planning, which has been causing a lot of poor choices and take-out options. At this point in time I despise it. Nine times out of ten, I absolutely dread preparing and sitting down to a meal with my family. It's just no fun right now.
So for me, a short term meal replacement plan -something like Special K or Slim-Fast or the like- boils down to this; I just don't have to think about food. I don't have to think so much/stress about what I'm feeding everyone (me) all day long... During the week Ryan is gone and I can just focus on getting the kids to eat during the day and then plan one good meal every evening, so that relieves some of that stress while letting my cut back my calories but still get the protein and fiber and nutrients I need without having to count, measure, or think too hard about it. It's just simple. And also, just keeping my options simple and "planned" breaks me out of the "hmmm... what do I want for a snack/meal?..." mindset. I just don't have to think about it. Instead I grab a snack bar or a flavored water/protien mix, or from my very short list of good "real food" options (i.e. grapefruit, grapes, veggies) or a meal bar. And I've truly found the Special K products to be really quite filling and sustain me easily to the next meal/snack time.

This is not a permanent plan. This is a two week (or so) deal that I wanted to do to a) give me a break from thinking/planning/preparing meals that just frustrated everybody... a bit of time "off" and to regroup and start fresh and feel better about eating, and b) to break my habit of unhealthy snacking.
After this initial "jump start" I'm planning on hitting the conscious meal planning and stricter grocery lists and trying to stick to a lower glycemic diet.

And by the way, I'm not trying to "survive on cereal and drinks"... Those are simply options for snacks and smaller meals leaving me to still eat at least one regular meal a day (trying to keep in mind balance and nutrients and portions).

shoes

2008-03-05T09:22:00.006-06:00

I've been analyzing my shoe collection.
I've always loved shoes. I love how they can just make an outfit; add that perfect touch. I've had many an outfit revolve around a pair of shoes or flip flops. But I think I've realized that lately, shoes are my crutch. My wardrobe has drastically dwindled since having kids. And even more so in the last six months as I've gained this weight. I won't buy bigger clothes. But I'm still buying shoes. I can take the most boring solid color top and jeans and make it an "outfit" with some cute shoes. If I feel fat or frumpy in a shirt, I can distract from that feeling with some fun shoes. When I know I'm not looking my best, when I'm not doing too well at hiding the roll around my middle... I can still feel cute and stylish if people are complimenting my shoes.
How sad is that?

I realized how much I'm relying on this crutch when I spent two days shopping last weekend for just the right pair of shoes to wear to church on Sunday. I didn't have a thing to wear... unless I found new shoes. Then I could overlook the way I knew I looked in the actual clothes part of the outfit. Apparently I think it would distract other people from it as well.

I want to be excited about a whole outfit again. I want to feel comfortable in whatever I throw on and not have to worry about how a shirt hides or emphasizes my midsection and depend on shoes to take the focus off of the rest of me. I want my shoes to be an accessory again, instead of being a way to distract from me. I want to move my focus from my shoes to all of me; to be feeling good and be proud of how I look.
And it'll be nice to hear a compliment once in awhile that might be, "you look good Heather," instead of "I love your shoes."

and of course the exercising...

2008-03-05T08:35:00.004-06:00

I'm trying to ease into this exercise thing. I have never been one to be very good at this. I walk. I like to walk. But that's about the extent of my physical activity.
The only time in my life I did any other regular exercise was about 6 months of water aerobics with a friend. I loved that. And I'd love to do it again... I need to look into that for times and cost.
Also, we have a clubhouse in our neighborhood with a weight room we have access to for free. I heard they just got some new machines in there, so I'm planning on checking that out this week. I think I'd like to try at least the treadmill for awhile.

In the meantime, you know what I'm loving? Did you know if you have cable that they have free On Demand exercise programs?! It's awesome! I did a couple over the weekend... Rock Steady: Abs, and some other walking/aerobic routine. I loved them both. I think I'll really like browsing through the options here and the variety of different programs. I can easily mix it up and do strength/toning, or aerobics, or yoga, or whatever I'm in the mood for. Change it up and keep it interesting.

Also, I've done my new video with the kids a couple of times and we're still enjoying that. Besides last week when I did way too much and was sore for two whole days, we put it on last night and all four of us were doing it together. It was really fun doing it as a family. The kids and I also did a few short clips of it this morning.

But back to my old stand-by; walking... we're off for a snowy sunny morning walk right now. I love walking around the neighborhoods in the snow... it's so pretty... especially the ponds.

the first two weeks

2008-03-05T08:34:00.002-06:00

I've never dieted before.
I've never been overweight before.
Growing up and all through most of my twenties, I was quite thin through no conscious effort of my own.
When I met my husband and got married, I put on almost 20 lbs in that year. You know, "the happy and comfortable" weight...
But still, I was okay with it. Friends I met after being married commented that I must have been too thin before that if I was 20lbs heavier then. Ideally, I would have liked to have dropped half of that. Then I got pregnant. Long story short, I've ended up with 10 more extra pounds after all was said and done at 2 years out from having my last baby.
Then slowly over the past year (six months?) that's crept up to almost another ten more.

I'm secretly hoping if I can just do something drastic to lose this thirty pounds, and tone up a bit, that then if I just keep up my activity level and keep my meals on the good side of "normal", I'll be able to keep things at an nice weight/shape without too much trouble. I'm hoping I still have enough of my old metabolism or hormones or whatever it is that if I can kick these extra pounds, then simply finding helpful, healthful ways of making meals for my family, being more intentional about activity, as well as finally being settled here without another relocation on the horizon, will allow me to just keep things at an even keel.

So for my first "drastic" attempt... because I'm rather wimpy and at this point I know I'm not motivated enough to read labels and count calories or even WW points and I'm definitely not desperate enough to cut out all carbs, or do a whole "lifestyle change" diet...
I'm doing the Special K "diet" for two weeks. Well, for at least two weeks. I'm giving it two weeks.
So far, it's good for me. You simply replace breakfast and lunch with Special K cereals, whole grain waffles, or their meal replacement bars. And use their protein bars, protein/fiber drink mixes for snacks, or think up a great healthy sustaining snack on your own. Then you eat one meal a day as you normally would... for me it's a good dinner.

For instance, day 1 of the "diet":
I had cereal for breakfast. But knowing that a "serving size" and my normal helpings of cereal are different, I made sure I specifically measured one cup of cereal out. And knowing that pouring that measly cup into a bowl with milk would seem like an awfully quick and piddly breakfast, so I kept the cereal dry and snacked on it like popcorn while reading blogs with a big glass of milk next to me. I also ate a grapefruit.
I didn't have a snack all morning since we were at church, and I really wasn't hungry until I was getting lunch ready for the kids at 12:30. I took my time eating a Special K Meal Replacement bar for lunch with a glass of water. Surprisingly, they really are quite filling.
I did have a late "snack" when we came in from being out all afternoon, while I was getting dinner ready, of the protein water mix. I think one mix could easily last me two snacks. And they're yummy!
Then for dinner I had a small helping of lasagna, garlic toast and salad.
And that's it.
I think I may have had three Robin's Eggs while playing cards with Ryan as well. :)
I was surprised I wasn't hungry throughout the day or bored with "not real food".

So we'll see how the rest of this two weeks goes, and what "plan" (and I use those quotation marks quite loosely!) I want to experiment with next.

crunching the numbers

2008-03-05T08:28:00.002-06:00

Four days ago I weighed myself to start up this "accountability" and watch the numbers on the scale go down. Trying to be exact on the scale and exact in measurements... letting it "all hang out" so to speak.

Four days ago: 157lbs
37.25" around the middle
(I am 5' 7" by the way)

Today: 155.5lbs

Goal weight: 130lbs
I'd love to really be 120-125lbs, but I think 130 is much more realistic for now.
I have no date in mind for the goal weight. Unless ASAP is a date.
I just want to work intentionally and consistently at it until I get there...

Ready?... and lighten me

2008-03-04T07:50:00.001-06:00

It's supposed to be kind of a play on words; and lighten me... "enlighten me"... get it?
Hehe, yeah, well I'm not real good at those plays on words, so that's all I got.
But I wanted to get my thoughts together on what I'm doing here. So here's the enlightenment...

This is kind of scary. I've never actually had a goal or a plan and even if I had an idea of those in my head, I never put it out there to be accountable to anyone. So here it is.
I haven't decided whether this blog will be "public" as far as the public that knows me... I may just leave it "secretly" floating around anonymously in blogland for awhile. Although I guess that defeats the purpose of being accountable. I guess that's the scary part.

I think I do a pretty good job of "hiding" the real stuff around my middle. (unfortunately, now the stuff's been seeping into my behind and thighs and upper arms as well). I don't think most people think I'm overweight. Nowhere near thin, but overweight? No. At least I don't think so. But then I guess our perceptions of other's perceptions aren't exactly reliable now are they?
The thing is, I am overweight. Technically, on the charts, I'm right on the borderline between the normal weight range and the overweight range. But the real thing is, I'm way over the weight I want to be and I'm not happy with the way I look. I'm not comfortable with the way I look. It doesn't look like me.

I've never spoken of my weight, number wise, since I was pregnant. I actually did okay after I had my last baby two years ago. Most of the "baby weight" came off fairly easily without even trying. And even one year ago, people who I hadn't seen for a month or two at a time were still saying that I looked thinner; was I losing weight?... and I think I was, although it wasn't from trying. I think the stress and loneliness of moving across the country with a baby and a toddler was good for my figure.
But since our last move I've slowly but steadily gained whatever I'd lost back and then some. I must be happier here :)

Anyway. I need to get it together. I need to buckle down and lighten up. I need to get off my butt and do something about this because it's obviously not going away by itself this time!
So that's what I'm doing here. I'm talking specific numbers, specific actions, specific diet plans, even *gulp* specific photo documentation. Ugh. Look away. Save yourselves.
But I want to -I have to- face this all head on and have somewhere to keep myself in check and that's where this page comes in.

If you too need to, want to, or just want to pretend to, "lighten up" with me, you can follow me along here. If you don't need to, want to, or want to pretend to, but just want to encourage me (give me a swift kick in the butt) you're very much invited here too.

Welcome to the recording of my journey, my experiments, my trials, my efforts, my ups, my downs, my prayers, my laughs, my struggles, my success and my reflections on it all along the way.

lighten up

2008-03-03T18:42:00.001-06:00

If you need me to drive home the point,
I'm trying to "lighten up" here.
I have an intro post brewing, so I promise this place won't be so forlorn looking for long...